A Survivor’s Perspective on Loneliness

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Loneliness is a complicated emotion.  Some might view it as an experience; others a state of being.  For some, it is a fact, I am all alone.  

Truly, loneliness is exacerbated by the isolating experience of simply existing as a human being, separate from all other human beings.  Even when we are surrounded by other people, we still exist as separate from them.  Isolated in our own body of flesh and bones.  Existing in a private world of emotion and thought.  Being human can too often be a painful and scary experience.

What I would like to emphasize is that loneliness is a feeling, rather than a truth.  In fact, this feeling of loneliness might be what connects us all to our humanity and drives us to seek companionship with others.  This feeling exists as an ancient survival mechanism.  Humans, as a species, have a better chance of survival when we are with a group rather than alone.  Thus, we forge alliances in forms of families, communities, and counties.  The absence of belonging to such an alliance or group, causes an increase in anxiety and motivates us to seek out connection with others.  We feel safe, when we know we belong.  We feel safe, when we are loved.  Love being that powerful emotional bond which tethers humans together and causes us to protect one another from harm.

All of these elements - the desires to belong, to feel safe, and be loved - connects us all to one another as a species and ensures the survival of the human race.  

This is why the feeling of loneliness is such a powerful force in those that have experienced abandonment in childhood.  One can experience parental abandonment, even whilst growing up in a family home.   When parents fail to meet the basic safety and emotional needs of their children, they are in essence abandoning them.  One can feed a child and put a roof over their head, but still abandon them emotionally.  They can still abandon them physically, even for a moment, while money is exchanged for the child’s safety.

These feelings of loneliness and abandonment, when experienced in adulthood by a survivor of childhood exploitation, can be just as painful and scary as the original childhood experience.  Because it’s as if we experience both at the same time.  The adulthood loneliness hits the same part of the brain as the childhood loneliness and explodes in a fit of PTSD anxiety, sadness, and pain.  Thus, a survivor’s reaction to a current stressor is intense because the original stressor was so intense.  The combined stress can lead to various methods of self harm or angry outbursts, which then lead to guilt or shame - two other pockets of emotion which hold original wounds and feel painfully intense for survivors.

So what do we do?  How do we live with this?  Can anything be done to help us feel better before we are just thrown into a complete downward spiral?

I don’t have all the answers, but I can tell you what helps me.

  1. Remind yourself that loneliness is a feeling, not an actual fact.  Tell yourself what the truth of the matter is . . . that something has happened in your current life that has triggered a memory of a feeling.  You are not currently isolated, powerless, alone, and unsafe.

  2. Recognize when the brain starts to try to make sense of how you are feeling.  When your brain starts to ask you questions like, Why do I feel lonely?  Why does nobody love me?  Is everyone mean or am I mean?  The brain wants to find a reason in the hopes of finding a solution.  But the brain is far from perfect and can quickly confuse feelings for facts.  Remember: Just because one feels lonely does not mean one is actually alone.  Just because one was unloved, does not mean one is unlovable.  Just because one is alone at the moment, does not mean one will forever be alone.  Just because one is feeling lonely, does not mean that no one cares.  Indeed, if you reach out, you might find even strangers care about you.

  3. So reach out when you are feeling lonely.  Don’t withdraw.  Call someone, anyone.  Even a crisis line (1-800-273-TALK).  Confront loneliness by reaching out and saying, I am feeling alone and it hurts.  Confronting loneliness through socialization and surrounding oneself with people is probably the quickest way to feel better.  Go outside.  Run an errand.  Even talking to strangers about the weather can lift one’s mood when in the pits of loneliness.

  4. Confront loneliness by recognizing its temporal nature.  Because loneliness is a feeling, it will eventually pass.  You will not feel like this forever.  

  5. Notice negative thoughts.  We often create a schema or a world view of how we fit into society as a child.  If we grow up thinking we are unlikable, without confronting ourselves with the truth, we will continue to live our lives through the lens of our abusers.  Some thoughts I’ve experienced, Everybody hates me.  Nobody likes me.  I hate myself.  I’m fat.  I’m ugly.  The world would be better off without me.  No one would care if I were gone.  I confront these thoughts with the truth, I am likable.  I am lovable.  I love myself, even though I don’t like how I feel right now.  I am valuable.  I am beautiful.  I am important.  Confronting negative story lines, might not cause instant relief, but over time it lessens the blow.  It certainly lessens the frequency of loneliness spirals.  

  6. Don’t fall into the trap of comparing yourself with others.  Don’t presume that everyone is happy, loved, and having fun, even if that’s how things appear on social media.  In fact, studies suggest that 50% of the population are sitting at home right now, feeling sad and lonely.  We just don’t realize the universal nature of loneliness, because we exist as separate individuals.

  7. Remind yourself that it’s quality, not quantity that matters.  We only need one or two good people in our lives.  In fact one or two close friends is maybe as much as most can hope to have at any given time in life.

  8. Validate and normalize loneliness.  Yes, that’s right.  It’s normal to feel alone.  Tell yourself, I feel lonely right now and that’s okay.  Honor the place in you that feels lonely, just as you honor the place in others that feels lonely.  

After all, being kind to oneself is the humane thing to do, right?

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