Safe

A poem by SAFE Survivor Amy Kate Engle, MS, LAMFT

Little girl, long hair, big smile
You don’t know that your life is about to change and you will
Never have that smile again
You’re training soon begins, age 4

One year later, her life ends, a new one begins
Pain and sorrow become her companion, age 5
Wounded child, arms open wide, ready to receive love
Walked past, brushed by, told to move, in the way
Growing up too quickly without a childhood remaining
She stuffs her sadness inside and pretends it’s not there or anywhere

No more smiles, no more laughter or happiness in her eyes
Eyes meant to embrace beauty instead see horror
Things a child should never know of
Stuck inside without a way to express herself because no one really cares 
She hides her face at night when she’s all alone, pushes away her fears
The little girl learns how to leave her place of suffering 
Her mind is no longer there but in 
A place that she will visit often and 
Be safe in

Little girl grows, and tries to forget, covering her thoughts with a blank nothing 
Pretends it’s not true
She tries to hide from the nightmares and dreams 
She returns those memories from where they had come and buries them deep 
Hides them away, until the next time she feels brave enough to remember

This girl knows ceilings and white walls and a fan above the bed 
She knows the bedroom and bathroom and what she needs to do in them
She knows she’s dirty and must get clean because the secret would be discovered if she’s not clean
She knew the basement was set up to be kid friendly
Invited there, he seemed trustworthy
But then the real nightmare begins
And it’s without question 
That she is no longer me but someone else, playing a part
She is owned 

When it’s time for her job to begin
She will close her eyes and then drift off 
To where she doesn’t feel hurt or pain
To a place where time stands still
She remembers the bed and the big black camera
The flashing red light that betrays her
Now she is doing her job and hoping and praying it will be the last
She can’t endure this much longer
Broken old woman, age 6

God chooses to close his mouth and not speak, he closes his eyes and doesn’t see a thing
He leaves her alone, on that gross old bed, to be brutally assaulted and wishing she was dead
She asks Him where he was and how could he allow it
Why didn’t he just put a stop to it?
But He never answers- there’s only quiet 
She stops asking, it’s easier to be silent.

She is back in the room, her mind is in a fog, staring at the ceiling, glazed eyes, empty
Then it’s all through and she’s alone
Her abuser has left and she can finally come down
From the sky above where her mind has gone and she can enter her body again
How to move her body the right way
She will do as she’s asked and always obey
She tells herself that she will be okay.

She is never rewarded for the things that she does
She just knows that others are waiting for her to perform
She can’t count the men that abused her this way
There were too many that hurt her, used her, she had no say
They got what they wanted so now they are gone- Moved on

Little girl 12, moves to a new city 
Leaving Portland and life in the sex industry behind
The nightmares that plagued her only follow her there
There are no more abusers, no men to hurt her
But she still isn’t safe
The truth is that photos and videos don’t disappear
They turned a high profit for those who abused her
Where are they now?
She is still exploited

By now her heart is dead and she can never mend
So, she starves her body, hoping to disappear
She pops pills and feels happy, like she is flying far away from here
She cuts and carves just to feel - making sure that her existence is real
Her finger down her throat, blood, food, despair
Taking out what she doesn’t want to keep in there
But she feels in control and in charge
After all the pain this little girl knew 
From the time she was 5 until she was 12

She closes her mouth and refuses to speak
She cries tears of anguish that nobody sees
So she stops and refuses to acknowledge her fears
For the last time, she wipes away her tears

She sees a picture of a smiling girl, age 4.
She looks happy and innocent, not yet a whore
I don’t think I know her, nor does she know me
Little girl 4, soon to be a whore

Little girl doesn’t know what is coming next year
Won’t be playing with dolls 
But men will be playing with her
Her life will change and she won’t be the same
Lied and deceived to
Trick of the trade
Will never trust – be afraid

Little girl grows up, doesn’t know who she is- a stranger to herself with no identity
In time comes along a man who is proud
Who objectifies and buys women, a part of that crowd
Of men that don’t care what they’re doing to others
As long as they get their needs met that’s all that matters. 
She falls in love with this man who abuses
She knows she will be safe with him, an abuser
He will give her a kiss then force himself on her
Until she is too sore to walk the next morning
She knows just which buttons to push to make him explode
A cycle that keeps her feeling in safe mode
She might go down but at least it’s planned 
A bruise or two, face down on the stairs
Her neck being strangled, no air
Being thrown on the bed, head smashed in the wall
She is ready to take the fall

She is safe